Generalised Anxiety, OCD and the life of a cook

Je sais pas pourquoi, mais je veux m'exprimer en anglais là dessus, probably because it's easier for me to whine in english while overdosing in caffeine.

I have big problems with managing my anxiety, it became a huge part of my life. The control. Control... control...

Control is a huge part of my life. Being in control of my life. Control.

In a professional kitchen, you gotta be able to control your stress, to work with it, to use it to your advantage. Some people are able, some people are not. Handling the pressure... work with it. When the orders come in, in a lunch rush, you have to be able to seize yourself up.

It alls comes down for me to the fight or flight response. It happens sometimes. Sometimes I fly. But now I can FIGHT.

I personnally think it's awesome to have the same level of stress where as you fight for your life or you are sending out a cassoulet. But then... I have to fight perfectly. There has to be the same exact number of sausages in each cassoulet, and the skin of the confit has to be perfectly crispy yet not dried out. The beans have to be as tender as it they were baked in that earth crock, yet not become mushy. All that while sending out soup that has to have the same perfect design of cream on top and that little pinch of chives in a perfect spot at the exact same place on each bowl and sending out salads with the perfect amount of perfectly seasoned dressing with a bruiseless perfect endive leave and perfect tomato brunoise all that while having the door of the convection oven open breathing out it's hot hot 425F air but for not too long since you want your tartines to be perfectly golden and dont loose any of that precious time...

phew.

This to me makes the same response in my brain as if i was fighting a bear with my bare hands. I guess. I never really experienced that. But thats what the doctor said.

I am pretty amazed that I can "fight a bear with my bare hands" for a couple of hours.

Just wanted to share that. And a typhoon of bread dough is a good metaphor.